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Monday, 4 April 2016

Camp writing edited

Description: we have to choose a story for an eportfolio sample. I chose this one from camp. I chose this one because it's about haunted rooms that have flames in them. This story really happened late on Wednesday night in the Oregon 7 cabin. 

"2 minutes reading only,” said the parent. "What!!" I moaned. "Okay 0 minutes," the parent says engaging in an argument. "What!” I shouted engaging immediately. "Bye," the parent said turning off the light.

Click. "Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh! a flame," I said quietly. "Go, to, sleep" someone whispered across the blackness. 

I reached out to touch the flame... whew it's only a shadow. Of what? A chill ran up my spine, the closest tree was a long way away. 

My heart raced in my chest. My nerves screaming, a ghost flame, a, ghost, flame. Then it appeared. Something glistening, a white dot. I collapsed. I was knocked out, terrified, cold. Nothing would ever wake me, ever... 

There were explanations but they don't make sense. Take the one about the dot for example: there are printed dots on the curtains, but these dots would be black??

Some other cabins had funny things happen in them but nothing like cabin 10s sleep walker Louis, he danced the chicken dance then tried to play soccer. Camp can be creepy, scary or very fun. But make sure you don't have a haunted room. 

Feedback feedforward:I think u did good with detail but I think u should do more writing in your Description:trey

Evaluation: I think I did good in the writing next time I will follow treys advice. 

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  1. This is way better Toby. It is clear who is speaking and I get more of a sense of suspense and drama. The additional detail and unpacking of ideas certainly helps. Great working with you on this last night. DAD

  2. I hope you found it useful editing your writing at home. I challenge you to reread your story as if you are reading it for the first time. Make sure it makes sense and you have added enough detail so the reader can imagine what is happening.